Dekionplexis: The Best Fucking Blog On Earth

Tuesday, 8 July 2008

How To Score With Chicks: GUARANTEED POONTANG, with Doug Irwin.

Hi, I'm, Doug Irwin.

I have slept with, over FIVE women, and only three of them were relatives. Haha, and now I'm here to share my sex-knowledge with you, yourself.

I wasn't ALWAYS a poon-magnet, ooooh noooo. It took YEARS of practice, dedication and several restraining orders.

So without further delay, let's, get, BIZZAY!

REVIEW

Women are complex, God knows my mother was. I wasn't allowed to leave the house until I was thirty-seven, haHA!, God love her. But let's review what we know about women, in general;

1. Women have holes, more than us.
2. They like shoes and soda.
3. They have longer hair and cry more.

OK, now we're ready.

STEP ONE - The Opener.

If you wants ya some ass, ya gots ta start a conversation. To do this, we use an opening line, or 'Opener'. You can use these in nearly ANY situation or circumstance, except funerals......just kidding, go for it buddy-boy, HA!

a) Heeey, I like your shoes, wanna go for a soda some time?
b) Heeeey, what soda is that? Wanna see my feet?
c) Heeeey, I like your hair, it's like, TOTALLY longer than mine, haHA!
d) My mom just died,...hold me.
e) Damn that's a great soda, WANT SOME!?
f) NICE TITS BEBBEE!

Ok, if that doesn't get her attention she's either a lesbian or a retard. Let's move on...

STEP TWO - Proposition

So, she's all gooey-eyed over ya now. She knows ya cool, hey man, ya hip. You're that kinda guy that gets shit DONE. Let's put on the pressure, and make our intentions known. For this we use a 'proposition'. It's a way to let her know that there's a Ba Mitzvah in ya pants, and SHE'S the rabbi. Try THESE bitches on for size, haHAAAA...booyah!

a) Ya know, the way ya holdin' ya soda is turnin' me ooaaan bebbee.
b) I gots a hankerin' for some pink muffin, oh yeah!
c) I got six inches of salamander with your name on it. (wink)
d) GET IN THE VAN!!!
e) My cousin invented Oreos.
f) How do you like your eggs? I like mine with bacon, pancakes and loooots of syrup. I also like sausuage and occasionally a waffle. Like this one time I added a little oregano with the eggs, damn, now THAT was livin'. Also, let's screw.

STEP THREE - Boning Acrobatics

By now she's going crazy like that horse I had to kill in Mexico. So once ya in the sack, try out the following to let her KNOW, that you IS, the LORD of COCK-JAZZ;

a) The Wyoming Shindig - (Finger her gullet while playing the ukulele)
b) The Three-Fingered Hello - (Two in the yellow, one in the blue)
c) Chunderdome - (Take turns puking on a globe)
d) The Psychic Horse - (Ride her ass with spoons)
e) Golden Glands - (Piss up her shit)
f) Catty Style - (Scream at her while in drag with a hard-on)

And that's alll ya gettin', heh-heh-HA!

This is just a small scraping of my sex-knowledge. To learn more, please by my new book;

Doug Irwin - Lessons in COCKJAZZ
$12.99 from Amazon.com

Stay SEXXXAY,

Dougie

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