Dekionplexis

Tim Westwood whilst attending a 'Remake Fletch' fundraiser.

The music industry was momentarily surprised today by the news that 'DeeJay' and one time, 'Werther's Original' poster boy, 'Tim 'The Tim' Westwood' had been slain whilst buying a baguette in Plymouth's notoriously dangerous 'bagel district'.

Tributes came thick and quickly from some of the music industry's biggest 'playas'. Ricky Martin cried the following whilst on holiday in San Francisco, 'Oooh no'. He was then taken away for a sit down and a rigorous Shiatsu.

Timothy Carruthers Eastwood was born in the rural village of Upper Phuckingham, just south of Lower Sirensmyerstonsire to blind parents and an incontinent nan. Music had always fascinated Tim from an early age. By seventeen he could 'hum' the entire theme tune to, 'Bonanza'. By twenty, he had learnt to play the piccolo with his nose, and set forth to London to make his fortune.

A chance meeting with a local 'black' changed his life forever. Fore, that black youth was none other than Ainsley Harriot. Full of spunk and Um Bongo the pair formed a duo, then known as 'The Splick-Klasster-Harrods', later changed to, 'Derrik'.

Their first single, 'Waa, Cha No, Ya Maa La Waamaa Noo, Ye Know?' was a spectacularly failure. But it gained them respect from 'da undaground'. The duo changed their name to 'Waaaaybo!' and released another fifteen albums. Sadly none of which sold more than two copies, the last causing a riot in Hackney.

After this the duo soon parted company, Westwood to pursue music and Harriot to become a white. By day Westwood worked at a local Tesco in Brixton on the bread counter. He soon gained notoriety for being, 'confused'. By night he sat on a bed he had fashioned from stolen buns, staring at a poster for the film 'Fletch', his idol.

After four years he had saved enough money for the train ride to Eastbourne, where he began work at another Tesco.

Three years later he scrimped, saved and congealed, until finally he had done it. He purchased a second-hand copy of 'Fletch Lives' from a nearby Oxfam. Sadly it was a Betamax and Tim now found himself homeless, except for the rucksack he had made from discarded donuts.

Twas whilst living on the streets of Eastbourne that he turned to drugs. Fore one night, he accidentally swallowed an aspirin dropped by an overhead owl. Prostitution soon followed. For three guineas, or a copy of 'Whizzer & Chips' he became, 'Patrick Sveltcheeks'.

Then he got a job with Radio One, and everything was , 'aaaiiight'.

The service will be held in Detroit this Thursday just behind the Synagogue on Fourth and Main.

The eulogy will be read by Chevy Chase with musical accompaniment by the surviving member of 'Milli Vanilli' on harpsicord.