Hi, I'm, Doug Irwin.

I have slept with, over FIVE women, and only three of them were relatives. Haha, and now I'm here to share my sex-knowledge with you, yourself.

I wasn't ALWAYS a poon-magnet, ooooh noooo. It took YEARS of practice, dedication and several restraining orders.

So without further delay, let's, get, BIZZAY!


REVIEW

Women are complex, God knows my mother was. I wasn't allowed to leave the house until I was thirty-seven, haHA!, God love her. But let's review what we know about women, in general;

1. Women have holes, more than us.
2. They like shoes and soda.
3. They have longer hair and cry more.


OK, now we're ready.


STEP ONE - The Opener.

If you wants ya some ass, ya gots ta start a conversation. To do this, we use an opening line, or 'Opener'. You can use these in nearly ANY situation or circumstance, except funerals......just kidding, go for it buddy-boy, HA!

a) Heeey, I like your shoes, wanna go for a soda some time?
b) Heeeey, what soda is that? Wanna see my feet?
c) Heeeey, I like your hair, it's like, TOTALLY longer than mine, haHA!
d) My mom just died,...hold me.
e) Damn that's a great soda, WANT SOME!?
f) NICE TITS BEBBEE!

Ok, if that doesn't get her attention she's either a lesbian or a retard. Let's move on...


STEP TWO - Proposition

So, she's all gooey-eyed over ya now. She knows ya cool, hey man, ya hip. You're that kinda guy that gets shit DONE. Let's put on the pressure, and make our intentions known. For this we use a 'proposition'. It's a way to let her know that there's a Ba Mitzvah in ya pants, and SHE'S the rabbi. Try THESE bitches on for size, haHAAAA...booyah!

a) Ya know, the way ya holdin' ya soda is turnin' me ooaaan bebbee.
b) I gots a hankerin' for some pink muffin, oh yeah!
c) I got six inches of salamander with your name on it. (wink)
d) GET IN THE VAN!!!
e) My cousin invented Oreos.
f) How do you like your eggs? I like mine with bacon, pancakes and loooots of syrup. I also like sausuage and occasionally a waffle. Like this one time I added a little oregano with the eggs, damn, now THAT was livin'. Also, let's screw.


STEP THREE - Boning Acrobatics

By now she's going crazy like that horse I had to kill in Mexico. So once ya in the sack, try out the following to let her KNOW, that you IS, the LORD of COCK-JAZZ;

a) The Wyoming Shindig - (Finger her gullet while playing the ukulele)
b) The Three-Fingered Hello - (Two in the yellow, one in the blue)
c) Chunderdome - (Take turns puking on a globe)
d) The Psychic Horse - (Ride her ass with spoons)
e) Golden Glands - (Piss up her shit)
f) Catty Style - (Scream at her while in drag with a hard-on)

And that's alll ya gettin', heh-heh-HA!

This is just a small scraping of my sex-knowledge. To learn more, please by my new book;

Doug Irwin - Lessons in COCKJAZZ
$12.99 from Amazon.com

Stay SEXXXAY,

Dougie

x

Hello,

I receive numerous letters which ask how a regular Joe or Joette may increase their website/blog traffic. Well, it's very easy. Just follow these 10 simple and easy steps, which are very easy.

Let us begin.

1. Sacrifice a puma to your God. Any God will do, except Vishnu, as he's a cunt. I joke of course, but religion is big business, so if you can get an interview with Jesus best post it, Christians love that mother-fucker.
   
2. "Britney Spears sucking on a big black cock". Type that out fifty-seven times, it will do wonders. Or maybe 'Paris Hilton Caught fingering her pussy", try that. Ironically, I've actually fucked Paris Hilton and her vagina was as dry as a Ritz cracker.
3. Child abuse is on the rise, and everyone likes kids. So what not fuck one and post some pictures. Nothing too graphic though, as you'll get the pigs after you. I learnt the hard way, I posted a couple of this kid I fucked with a shoe in his gullet. Thank Christ I went to Mexico when I did, eh..
4. Have lots and lots of pictures of TITS. Big tits, small tits, juicy tits, dirty tits, young tits, old tits, tit-sucking, tit-wanking, you know, tits. I don't have any pix of tits on my own blog as I'm a faggot.
5. Tell everyone you meet that if they don't check out your shit that you'll "fucking kill them". Do not underestimate the power of a well presented threat. Like the other day I was getting a KFC bucket and while I was waiting for it I thought to myself, 'Why not promote your blog ya soggy cunt'. So I turns to the polish dude and I says, 'Hey, check out my blog you dense cunt or I'll "FUCKING KILL YOU". And with that I just left, I didn't wait for the chicken or even give him the blog address. I won THAT fucking battle.
6. Attract a niche market. Like a friend of mine has a blog devoted to 'NIGGER-RAPE'. He's not racist, he just likes molesting black men. Your best bet is to check out the fetish scene. I hear that GILF-FISTING is on the rise.
7. Technology. Everyone likes gizmos and gadgets so write about them. Ideally a USB Wanking-Machine with attachable feet.
8. Never, EVER write about the Internet as you're already on it, you'll make yourself look foolish. Who the fuck wants to read about the Internet when they're already on the fucking thing? Eh? Exactly, so don't do it. Unless you make it really fun. In which case, do.
   
9. Pictures of underage asses. That's it.
10. I dunno..ermm..have prizes or some shit..