I receive numerous letters which ask how a regular Joe or Joette may increase their website/blog traffic. Well, it's very easy. Just follow these 10 simple and easy steps, which are very easy.
Let us begin.
- Sacrifice a puma to your God. Any God will do, except Vishnu, as he's a cunt. I joke of course, but religion is big business, so if you can get an interview with Jesus best post it, Christians love that mother-fucker.
- "Britney Spears sucking on a big black cock". Type that out fifty-seven times, it will do wonders. Or maybe 'Paris Hilton Caught fingering her pussy", try that. Ironically, I've actually fucked Paris Hilton and her vagina was as dry as a Ritz cracker.
- Child abuse is on the rise, and everyone likes kids. So what not fuck one and post some pictures. Nothing too graphic though, as you'll get the pigs after you. I learnt the hard way, I posted a couple of this kid I fucked with a shoe in his gullet. Thank Christ I went to Mexico when I did, eh..
- Have lots and lots of pictures of TITS. Big tits, small tits, juicy tits, dirty tits, young tits, old tits, tit-sucking, tit-wanking, you know, tits. I don't have any pix of tits on my own blog as I'm a faggot.
- Tell everyone you meet that if they don't check out your shit that you'll "fucking kill them". Do not underestimate the power of a well presented threat. Like the other day I was getting a KFC bucket and while I was waiting for it I thought to myself, 'Why not promote your blog ya soggy cunt'. So I turns to the polish dude and I says, 'Hey, check out my blog you dense cunt or I'll "FUCKING KILL YOU". And with that I just left, I didn't wait for the chicken or even give him the blog address. I won THAT fucking battle.
- Attract a niche market. Like a friend of mine has a blog devoted to 'NIGGER-RAPE'. He's not racist, he just likes molesting black men. Your best bet is to check out the fetish scene. I hear that GILF-FISTING is on the rise.
- Technology. Everyone likes gizmos and gadgets so write about them. Ideally a USB Wanking-Machine with attachable feet.
- Never, EVER write about the Internet as you're already on it, you'll make yourself look foolish. Who the fuck wants to read about the Internet when they're already on the fucking thing? Eh? Exactly, so don't do it. Unless you make it really fun. In which case, do.
- Pictures of underage asses. That's it.
- I dunno..ermm..have prizes or some shit..