Interview: Shaun Ryder (Gardener)

q: Shaun, firstly, why are you doing that?

S: ..Erghhhh..ar right, it's for me fockin' roses like...eRRgghh, ya don't mind do ya?

q: No,..it's fine..so..

S: Fockin' 'ell..Eggggggghhhh...you hear that fockin' clickin' sound?

q: ...I...no..I don't..

S: Ar, right..I thought it were a fockin' errrrrrrRRRRgggghhh,...wasp...

q: ...I,..don't see one, no...

S: ..I member one time right,..Ehhhhhrghgh,..me Bez tied a chicken to this geezer's van, it were fockin' hysterical-llaaaaarghhhh,..FOCK-KIN 'ell...funny fing was though, bloke turned out to be a fockin' butcher...

q: ...ermm..

S: ..Well, doncha geddit? Butchers, chicken...Ooooorghhhh...fockin' 'ell, I shouldn't have had all them fockin' Pot Noodles...arrr...

q: .........it was a chow mein one, wasn't it..

S: ...Foooooooooooooooooooockin' 'ellllll,...yeah....funny that, looks the same comin' out, dontit?

q: ..(gag)..yes, quite..if we could just talk abou...

S: I'm growin' marrows out back...fockin' gorgeous they are....ya want one?

q: Um..maybe later..

S: Erhgh-eghhgghhh-eghhh,..since I started using me own, you know,..me veggies are comin on a fockin' treat like...

q: ........Ermm, you defecate on all your produce?

S: Fockin' too right I do...PpppptpptptttpppppppPPPpttttt-ttt-ttt...fock me,..there's them fockin' Cornetto's...

q: .....so...ermm..the stir-fry you made, that was...

S: ...FFFffffffffffffffffffffppptt.....yeah, a bit of me in every fockin' bite..ya alright mate, ya lookin' a bit fockin' queasy?

q: ....I'm fine...so, what...

S: ARRRhhhhhhHHHH,..AHHHHHh!

q: ...are you all right?

S: Naa mate...ahh, fockin' 'ell...it's them fockin' brazil nuts...ahhhh,..FOCK-KIN 'ELL..ahhh..ah fink their fockin' stuck.....Pffffffft....do us a favour mate...

q: .......yes?

S: Stick ya 'and op me arse..

q: Shaun Ryder, thank you.