'I Can't Be A Paedo, I'm Too Young!', screams Radcliffe.

The dead eyes of a monster.

The actor Daniel Radcliffe has been arrested on suspicion of sexual conduct with minors. Police pounced, much like a lemur, as the 'Hairy Potter' star left a convenience store where he claims he was, 'buying some juice'. This is believed to be 'paedo-slang' for, 'scopin' fo' yoots'.

It is believed Radcliffe has 'got-in' with girl-childs as young as 15 and three quarters.

An eye-witness, Barray Malcolms, 39, who was shoplifting from the store at the time, bellowed;

'He comes in shop and he's lookin' around like. Then he looks over there..'

Police would not confirm or deny rumours that Radcliffe's home computer contained images of children as young as three weeks. Pictures the actor insists are of his cousin, 'Benjamin'. Conveniently, said cousin exists, but was to distraught for comment, possibly due to excessive fingering from the accused.

Radcliffe will spend the next four days in custody where it is believed he will be forced to watch his own films until he confesses.

Police were first made aware of the atrocities by an anonymous tip-off from the actor Gary Oldman.

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