Boris Johnson Still Missing (Presumed Lost)

Boris Johnson wearing the colour red, which he
believes gives him the strength of four.

Day four, and the comedian and part-time politician Boris 'Prolapse' Johnson is still missing. Last seen in the Lewisham area buying a flute from a man dressed as a salmon, it is believed that he may have joined the underground cult known as 'The Reddites'.

Formed by entrepreneur Mick Hucknall in the mid-eighties, followers are encouraged to wear red clothing and worship 'SodOtta', a half-man-bird-missile. With offices in Rome, Geneva, Wyoming, Prague and Ludlow, 'The Reddites' attracted attention last year when Liza Minnelli blamed them for the dwindling population of haddock.

Mr Johnson's third wife, Fatima Whitbread, issued the following this morn;

'...I don't know where Boris is, but if anyone finds him, please ask him what he's done with the remote control....'

The couple have three children; Alvin, Simon and Theodore, all of whom where born without lips. 'Ppllleeeebps, bllaangg mah...daaaadaaaa bllergghhaaaak!' This was the cry of Simon, the oldest and most coherent of the three.

Concerns where raised about the state of Mr Johnson's mental purity last year when he took to wearing a small owl in a holster.

Close friend and one time lover, Bernard Manning had this to speak;

'He's a fockin' mad bastard, I'll tell ya that. A 'member one time right, we were on 'oliday in fockin' Venice, he says to me, he says, 'Ere, watch this!' 'E strips off, an' starts boogerin' a fockin' pelican. What a fockin' disgrace. 'E could be fockin' anywhere, focked I know....oh, if ya see the bastard, ask 'im where me fockin' remote control is.....'

The people of Henley, Johnson's constituency, have offered a reward of thirty-eight pounds for his safe return. In the event of his death the money will be spent on a brass nappy for Baroness Thatcher.

As concern slowly begins, Johnson's last blog entry is being analysed for clues/recipes;

..Feeling a bit crook today, will keep this brief. Lost a bit of sensation in toes this morning. Have decided to paint inside of all trousers bright red, just to be sure. Heard on radio that shoes are going up again. Come on Tony, sort it out.
Meeting Mr H in Lewisham tomorrow. He says I'm ready. I certainly feel ready.
Alvin said his first word today, at least I think he did, he may have sneezed. It's so bloody difficult to tell. He gets that from his mother.
It's raining again, this bloody government. Bring back Magga's that's what I say. Foxy. She may be incontinent, but she'd still have a bloody good beasting.
Burn the lot of them.
Burn them in the red fires of sotta.
I shall burn you all.

Tell Fatima it's under the cooker.

- BJ

If you have any information regarding Mr Johnson's thereabouts, please contact;

Henley Police Station
Market Place
Henley-on-Thames. RG9 2AJ
Telephone: 0845 8 505 505
Open: Monday to Thursday 9am - 5pm
Closed: Friday (For sodomy)

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