Interview: James Whitaker (Royal Lacky)

James Whitaker pictured with the ashes of
his mother, which he keeps in a mustard pot.

q: You first started covering the Royal Family in the 1960's for the Daily Mail and the Express. How have things changed, and what was considered a 'good story' in those succulent days?

Whitaker: Yeeeeeees, well, it was a different era you see. There was a level of respect which is lacking in these modern gilf-soaked times. Prince Charles was merely a youth and hadn't even shot his first negroid. Her majesty was still a looker and would often partake of an Italian elder. A faaar more innocent time you see. I didn't lose my virginity until I was forty-three. But that's what you get for sharing a bunk with Peter Beardsley. (laughs)

Yes, quite.

Whitaker: The first job they ever sent me to was for Princess Margaret's circumcision. A faaar more innocent time you see. The ceremony was invite only, all the bigwigs were there; Rusty Lee, Cannon & Ball, I sat this (holds up thumb and forefinger two inches apart) far away from Grotbags. She was the witch on the emu show...

q: Yes, I know who she is.

Whitaker: A faaaaar more innocent time you see. They wheeled out Magga's on a plinth made of ivory, then Prince Philip came down by hoist, dressed as a crow and sacrificed a chicken over her....(motions to genitalia) know...

q: Quite.

Whitaker: A more innocent time you see. And after the ceremony, I was eating a croissant near a school when Lizzie, you know, 'The Queen'...

q: Yes, I gathered...

Whitaker: ..Lizzie beckons me like this...(attempts to rotate bosom)...she says, 'we're having a soiree near the gazebo, will you come?'

q: Golly.

Whitaker: Quite. Well, I was taken aback, I can tell you. Next thing I know, I'm rubbing shoulders and sphincters with all the Royals, a faaaaar more innocent time you see.

q: Yes...but what was it about this particular time that made the Royals so newsworthy?

Whitaker: Well, Prince's Charles and Andrew were at the age where they were literally up anything in a skirt. I remember an amusing incident with Sean Connery at Balmoral. (chuckles for three minutes)

q: What about Prince Edward?

Whitaker: Edward....Edward?....oh yes...well, let's just one say this...?

q: Quickly, I've got a three o'clock with Lou Ferrigno.

Whitaker: Well,...let's just say that Edward, homosexual who enjoys the feel of an erect male penis in his rectum.....

q: I'm not sure what you mean, but please continue.

Whitaker: ..well, it's all fairly standard really. Divorce, divorce, affair, rape, divorce, death.

q: James Whitaker, thank you.

James Whitaker can be contacted for after dinner speeches and 'eighths' at;

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  1. Anonymous 9 January 2007 at 23:40

    Absolutly brilliant!